If pictures could talk this one would tell you that my body thought it was pregnant which means my mind also thought I was pregnant. This picture would tell you that I had a positive pregnancy test about a week before it was taken and so my heart also thought I was pregnant.
Truth is, this picture didn’t know yet that I wasn’t actually pregnant. I had what doctors call a “blighted ovum” which means that an egg was fertilized but an embryo never developed. A gestational sac still developed so my body started preparing to support a baby. HCG levels rose and a pregnancy test read positive.
This picture would tell you that at first I panicked. We weren’t even trying to have another baby. In fact we thought we were done. But Nathan was excited. He had thought about a third baby. And his excitement rubbed off on me and soon I started to get excited. Nathan was anxious about a miscarriage but I wasn’t really worried. I carried 2 full term babies and the last miscarriage was because of the IUD. This picture was taken on mine and Joshua’s birthday and we kept the secret from the family all night. The boys didn’t know and we hadn’t wanted to tell our parents yet. Nathan wanted to give it a little more time.
If pictures could talk this one would tell you that my body now knew the truth…that it was a false pregnancy and a baby never formed. This picture would tell you that I was holding on extra tight to my boys and trying to focus on what I was grateful for. Inside I was crying over losing something I never had. This picture was taken 2 weeks after my birthday. I was hours away from telling our parents about the pregnancy when I found the first blood. And now days after knowing the truth I was still bleeding and no one really knew about it. I just went about my days and kept going on with life as normal. This picture would tell you I didn’t even feel close to normal. I felt sad, mad, frustrated, embarrassed, pain (physically and emotionally.) Nathan didn’t like talking about it because he’s a man and a man wants to fix things and when there are things that can’t be fixed then there’s no use carrying on about them. I felt alone. I was putting on a good front. This picture was taken and posted to social media and to everyone else it looked like a mama and her boy happy snuggling together. My act was working. But the picture knew the truth.
**I am in a much better place now than I was when this picture was taken and have found peace in trusting God’s plan for me and my family.**